I can already tell this is going to be one of my biggest lessons and opportunities to shift my energy about when to let go and when to hold on.
Let me tell you, this is a very vulnerable moment for me: realizing and accepting, slowly embracing the inner turmoil of holding on, trying to control uncontrollable events, circumstances and just simply letting go.
Traveling brings is right out of me, EVERYTIME!
So, I decided to sit with this inner need. Trust me, it took some convincing my inner bully to keep sitting with it! Even here the need to control was evident. The constant chatter about not being good enough and therefore having to take care of everything and everyone.
Ha, I made it through a painful and to me valuable realization.
Control means safety, which in turn means that I’m in charge when I get hurt. I get to swallow the pain, to walk away, to pretend I’m totally fine. I also get to hold everything in place so it works for me, not having enough space to realize that that might not work for everyone.
Well well, deciding to travel with my family is most probably the best catalyst to my healing.
It triggers the shit out of me. Living out of a suitcase, not sure where and what will happen next….. are my kiddos going to be ok with all of this?!
When I dove a bit deeper into sitting and listening, I discovered that this is also about feeling the need to be all that and more to the world. The need to be PERFECT! Whatever that means anyways. Weird eh?
I mean for everyone that word has such a different meaning.
I started doing a lot of inner child healing work and really enjoyed the book Reconciliation with the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh.
A lot of the uncertainty and the unsafe environment I grew up in made it’s way into the inner core of my being and reassured me over and over again that it’s simply not safe to trust the world.
So, my soldiers kept me safe by hardening my outer shell to the world, by perfecting myself, always looking after everyone else but me. I was living the full wounded healer package.
Before I get into the drama and victimhood of all of this, I know deeply that every single day I get to make the decision to start with a blank canvas and release the toxins of the past.
I get to choose between staying in the moment or re-living the past. We all do!
My daily mantra includes: I AM ENOUGH!
It shifts the need to control almost immediately!
The reason I bring this all up is because I feel that I’m not the only one who deals with this inner bully BS.
Let’s stay present! Let’s be awake and aware and let’s love and respect our needs.
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